четверг, 16 октября 2014
среда, 15 октября 2014
вторник, 14 октября 2014
понедельник, 13 октября 2014
воскресенье, 12 октября 2014
суббота, 11 октября 2014
пятница, 10 октября 2014
среда, 08 октября 2014
вторник, 07 октября 2014
понедельник, 06 октября 2014
воскресенье, 05 октября 2014
воскресенье, 28 сентября 2014
воскресенье, 14 сентября 2014
Когда-то давным-давно много-много лет назад я написал "вредные советы" персонажам сериала "Доктор Хаус" в стиле "Вредных советов" писателя Остера.
Вот мои "советы":
Если Ваш главврач не верит
В то, что ЦРУ однажды
Вас с работы утащило,
Чтоб ему же и помочь,
Всё валите на коллегу,
Ведь он номер црушный,
В Главном Штабе вам вручённый,
Умудрился потерять!
_______________________
Если муж твой помер рано,
Не оставив вам потомства,
И ты сперму заморозив,
Затаила для себя,
Но твой новый парень просит,
Чтобы ты с ней распрощалась
И забыла о несчастной
Старопамятной любви,
То скажи ты смело мужу
Что согласна ты на это:
Разрешит оставить банку
Потому что он поймёт.
_________________________
Если ты два метра сорок
И подтяжки носишь вечно,
Но тебя достал убогий
Хромоногий наркоман,
Заведи себе сексота
Из команды докторишки,
Пусть тебе раскроет тайны,
Что с больными там творят.
А потом ты можешь смело
Распрощаться с инвалидом
Распустив его команду
И уволив всех врачей.
Только помни для начала,
Что твой враг людей спасает,
Потому его коллеги
Распрощаются с тобой!
______________________
Если ваш работник вздумал,
Распустивши всю команду,
В кабинете заперевшись,
На гитаре там играть,
Вы ему устройте шоу,
По набору персонала,
Ищет пусть себе команду,
Вот и будет он стонать!
_____________________
Если друг крадёт запасы,
Что оставил для себя ты,
И его спустя все годы,
Так и тянет проучить,
Укради его гитару
И запрячь в укромном месте,
Шантажируй потихоньку,
Режь посланья из газет.
Будет ласковый и добрый
Но орать: "Урод ты, Вилсон!" -
Никогда не перестанет,
Будь уж к этому готов!
_______________________
(с) Аким Асланов
Вот мои "советы":
Если Ваш главврач не верит
В то, что ЦРУ однажды
Вас с работы утащило,
Чтоб ему же и помочь,
Всё валите на коллегу,
Ведь он номер црушный,
В Главном Штабе вам вручённый,
Умудрился потерять!
_______________________
Если муж твой помер рано,
Не оставив вам потомства,
И ты сперму заморозив,
Затаила для себя,
Но твой новый парень просит,
Чтобы ты с ней распрощалась
И забыла о несчастной
Старопамятной любви,
То скажи ты смело мужу
Что согласна ты на это:
Разрешит оставить банку
Потому что он поймёт.
_________________________
Если ты два метра сорок
И подтяжки носишь вечно,
Но тебя достал убогий
Хромоногий наркоман,
Заведи себе сексота
Из команды докторишки,
Пусть тебе раскроет тайны,
Что с больными там творят.
А потом ты можешь смело
Распрощаться с инвалидом
Распустив его команду
И уволив всех врачей.
Только помни для начала,
Что твой враг людей спасает,
Потому его коллеги
Распрощаются с тобой!
______________________
Если ваш работник вздумал,
Распустивши всю команду,
В кабинете заперевшись,
На гитаре там играть,
Вы ему устройте шоу,
По набору персонала,
Ищет пусть себе команду,
Вот и будет он стонать!
_____________________
Если друг крадёт запасы,
Что оставил для себя ты,
И его спустя все годы,
Так и тянет проучить,
Укради его гитару
И запрячь в укромном месте,
Шантажируй потихоньку,
Режь посланья из газет.
Будет ласковый и добрый
Но орать: "Урод ты, Вилсон!" -
Никогда не перестанет,
Будь уж к этому готов!
_______________________
(с) Аким Асланов
понедельник, 08 сентября 2014
This is a really great landcomm where all TV fandoms are welcome. Tell them
tv_universe tv_universe tv_universe
суббота, 06 сентября 2014
воскресенье, 31 августа 2014
среда, 27 августа 2014
I DID NOT WRITE THIS. A House fan sent a bunch of us this, I don't know where it's from or who wrote it. BUT IT IS FUCKING GENIUS AND NEEDS TO BE SEEN.
> Coming to you live from an undisclosed location, this is Dr. Gregory House. I have been challenged to do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge by Dr. Allison Cameron because she still believes my heart is made of pure gold and I desperately want to do nothing but hug kittens and cry during sex, even in death. Well lucky for her, I am decidedly not dead. You still don't stand a chance with me Cameron. Sorry.
> Now, the ALS bucket challenge was designed by some very smart people aimed to target idiots. Thus explains the craze. To avoid public humiliation you must donate to an ALS charity. Unfortunately, so many people today will do literally anything for a chance to be viewed by 15 people on YouTube and be completely forgotten 3 hours later. But, in the name of the game, I have been challenged and never let it be said that Gregory House does not live up to a challenge.
>
> Since I'm 'dead', I don't really have the option of just donating the money online. No credit cards. Conversely, no credit card companies constantly calling your phone. But I digress. So public humiliation it is. Not that it bothers me. If you think I'm scared of public shame, you obviously haven't seen the second half of season seven.
> Because I'm a doctor, or at least used to be, I feel like this is the time where I give you a background on the disease. It's a progressive neurodegenerative disease that attacks nerve cells in the brain. Blah Blah Blah. Horrible disease, but it's very easy to diagnose, no treatment. Therefore, very boring to me.
> A more troubling disease that I would like to bring your attention to is HWS or Horrible Writer's Syndrome. This is a very common disease among long-running television shows and is highly contagious. Typical symptoms of this disease include complete change of main characters' personalities, reverting to writing 'jokes' at an 8-year old level, and forgetting basic human knowledge. An example of this might be thinking that fingerprints on a piece of paper would definitely still be traceable after being submerged in water for hours. This is a fatal disease and has killed many quality television shows. While there probably is not a foundation set up for this, I haven't lost all faith in humanity, just most of it. Together, we can beat this.
> Alright, let's do this. If my lovely assistant would do the honors.
> *Pours bucket of ice water over his head* *Immediately looks even more sexy than he already is*
> I now challenge Dr. Eric Foreman who has never done anything fun in his entire life and Dr. Chris Taub. Mainly because I'm wondering if they make buckets small enough for him so that he won't drown.
> Lastly, I would like to thank a couple people for helping me out today. My cameraman and cancer-free best friend, Dr. James Wilson and the hottest bucket pourer in existence, my girlfriend, Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Does this seem unusual to you? I mean, when you last saw me, Wilson had 5 months left to live and Cuddy never wanted to see me again. Turns out, when the writers of your show have been diagnosed with HWS, you can retcon the show however you want. Since I didn't want my best friend to die, I brought him back. Turns out, it was just a benign tumor that I removed on a Tuesday. He was 100% by Wednesday afternoon. Also, I didn't really drive a car through Cuddy's house. It was a hallucination. Turns out, the writers reallllly loved those. Yeah, Cuddy and I never broke up and never will. Sorry again, Cameron.
> This is Dr. House signing out - have a pleasant day and don't be a moron.
"You Can't Always Get What You Want. But if you try sometimes, you get what you need." -The Rolling Stones
> Coming to you live from an undisclosed location, this is Dr. Gregory House. I have been challenged to do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge by Dr. Allison Cameron because she still believes my heart is made of pure gold and I desperately want to do nothing but hug kittens and cry during sex, even in death. Well lucky for her, I am decidedly not dead. You still don't stand a chance with me Cameron. Sorry.
> Now, the ALS bucket challenge was designed by some very smart people aimed to target idiots. Thus explains the craze. To avoid public humiliation you must donate to an ALS charity. Unfortunately, so many people today will do literally anything for a chance to be viewed by 15 people on YouTube and be completely forgotten 3 hours later. But, in the name of the game, I have been challenged and never let it be said that Gregory House does not live up to a challenge.
>
> Since I'm 'dead', I don't really have the option of just donating the money online. No credit cards. Conversely, no credit card companies constantly calling your phone. But I digress. So public humiliation it is. Not that it bothers me. If you think I'm scared of public shame, you obviously haven't seen the second half of season seven.
> Because I'm a doctor, or at least used to be, I feel like this is the time where I give you a background on the disease. It's a progressive neurodegenerative disease that attacks nerve cells in the brain. Blah Blah Blah. Horrible disease, but it's very easy to diagnose, no treatment. Therefore, very boring to me.
> A more troubling disease that I would like to bring your attention to is HWS or Horrible Writer's Syndrome. This is a very common disease among long-running television shows and is highly contagious. Typical symptoms of this disease include complete change of main characters' personalities, reverting to writing 'jokes' at an 8-year old level, and forgetting basic human knowledge. An example of this might be thinking that fingerprints on a piece of paper would definitely still be traceable after being submerged in water for hours. This is a fatal disease and has killed many quality television shows. While there probably is not a foundation set up for this, I haven't lost all faith in humanity, just most of it. Together, we can beat this.
> Alright, let's do this. If my lovely assistant would do the honors.
> *Pours bucket of ice water over his head* *Immediately looks even more sexy than he already is*
> I now challenge Dr. Eric Foreman who has never done anything fun in his entire life and Dr. Chris Taub. Mainly because I'm wondering if they make buckets small enough for him so that he won't drown.
> Lastly, I would like to thank a couple people for helping me out today. My cameraman and cancer-free best friend, Dr. James Wilson and the hottest bucket pourer in existence, my girlfriend, Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Does this seem unusual to you? I mean, when you last saw me, Wilson had 5 months left to live and Cuddy never wanted to see me again. Turns out, when the writers of your show have been diagnosed with HWS, you can retcon the show however you want. Since I didn't want my best friend to die, I brought him back. Turns out, it was just a benign tumor that I removed on a Tuesday. He was 100% by Wednesday afternoon. Also, I didn't really drive a car through Cuddy's house. It was a hallucination. Turns out, the writers reallllly loved those. Yeah, Cuddy and I never broke up and never will. Sorry again, Cameron.
> This is Dr. House signing out - have a pleasant day and don't be a moron.
"You Can't Always Get What You Want. But if you try sometimes, you get what you need." -The Rolling Stones